A Message (Loud and Clear)
Life has been sending me messages for years and by Jove I think I may finally be getting it! It's all around boundaries and honesty and standing up for myself in the face of sometimes fierce resistance, but mostly it's about avoiding passivity at all costs.
I think for many of us, we believe that life should be easy, ie if you are good, try hard and are nice, you will be rewarded with a great relationship, career satisfaction and happiness. Sure you'll have your little bumps but overall your life will not be a struggle. More like the stuff of postcards (or Instagram). And because of this belief we tend to let a lot of things happen to us as opposed to being properly active in our lives, as we believe that it will all work out and is "meant to be". Am I right? Here is just one example of my passivity to date: choosing to go to university in the city I was living in because it meant staying at home and not having to get out of my comfort zone. To be honset I don't remember giving this one a lot of thought. I didn't look at curriculums being offered at other universities around the country even just to check that what I had chosen was the best option. Nope, I just mooched from high school to university without much stress or consideration, except for stressing about actually getting in which I did, and that was that.
This has been a pattern in my life. At times I may have been distressed by things, sometimes greatly distressed, but I still chose the ostrich approach of "this too shall pass". What I should have realised is that I was getting the quote wrong. It's actually "You shall not pass" - Gandalf. The only times I have really weighed up options and activily made decisions that I knew were in my best interests and done things differently as a result, were when they were such life-changing, cataclysmic crossroads that they were absolutely impossible to ignore away. But then I'd just go back to coasting after the exhaustion of making one active decision in my life. (Stick a fork in me, I'm done!) But as they say life gives you little messages that things aren't working, and if you ignore the messages they just get bigger. Imagine the issues at first were like life blowing little paper spit balls at me through a straw. Well, now life is hurling boulders at me. Next up: an Acme anvil which will probably put me in hospital, one way or another. So I guess it's time to listen up!
I think this is something many of us struggle with. Maybe we're not meeting anyone worthy of dating and we're longing for a meaningful relationship but instead of really looking at what we want and how we can take steps to achieve it, we just stay home and watch series. And maybe make a vision board. Three years later we're no happier but we have over 2000 hours of series under our belts and a vision board. Awesome. The same can be said about the way we interact with our country's politics and structures. For the most part, we can be radically pissed off by legistlation or the state of affairs but we still drive our cars to work and go about our daily tasks without changing anything. Hell, wearing black on Black Friday is even too hard. It's easier to let things be.
Trust me, I am this person. Who wouldn't rather hope that visualisations and dream boards and the signing of an online petition will achieve the results rather than face the hard truths and difficult decisions of their lives? I've made tons of dream boards and visualised loads of things. There's a place for it, sure, but it can never replace actively getting shit done. I have let many, many relationships and situations get completely out of hand because of my fear of taking control of my life. I've let toxic people be my friends for way longer than they should have for fear of calling them on their manipulation and meanness. I've let significant others erode my sense of self to such an extent that I barely recognised myself after a while. I've let things happen that have completely devastated me, but just walked away and cried alone instead of standing up and saying enough is enough.
As South Africans, we have let our government slowly demean our constitution, steal from us, talk down to us and condone the murder of our fellow countrymen while protesting for better conditions. Nevermind doing little to curb the rampant crime rate which puts every one of us at risk daily. It is only those with nothing to lose that take to the streets to say enough. For the rest it's a case of "things could be worse" and we carry on regardless. In Australia the government is firmly against gay marriage, refugees and protecting the environment. People here are much more vocal and angry, but right now it isn't enough to affect change either but the attitude seems different. Maybe passivity is a white South African thing?
So what to do? Well, I hope that by owning up to being a casual bystander in the story of my life so far and committing to doing things differently from now on I can start to change. I want to challenge myself to be vigilant, to make sure that I am consistently doing and being instead of watching and coasting and perhaps this will create a bigger change around me as well, who knows. What have I really got to lose?